Er, not funny
------------------
There is a very, very friendly old man at the reception desk in my hotel who speaks very good Engrish, sorry, sorry, I mean English. He gave me some directions to get somewhere on the subway and then as I was leaving, he shouted after me that he'd given me the wrong information. "You're fired!" I exclaimed. He just stared at me open-mouthed until I said, "Sorry, just a joke." He nodded and then carried on writing down the new directions. The Tokyo subway system is pretty easy to navigate once you've worked out that there's two different systems run by two different companies, and consequently you have to buy two different sets of tickets. Clever that. It's outrageously cheap too, about 160 yen for each ride which is about 95 cents. Bargain-alicious. However, sometimes you have to walk kilometers to get to the next line. I did not brave the subway at rush hour, and so my experience was quite pleasant.
Miaow
---------
On Sunday I went to Asakusa to see Senso-ji, the Buddhist temple. The pathway to the temple is lined with thousands of tiny shops, who all obviously give their money to Buddha after they rip off stupid tourists. The temple was probably very nice, but the rain was hurtling down and I kept getting stabbed in the head by those pointy bits on the end of umbrellas so I got out of there as quickly as I could. I've been meaning to start a campaign to get these evil and dangerous implements (umbrellas) banned. Grrr! Talking of umbrellas, I noticed that the more up-market establishments have lockable umbrella slots in-front of them. You stick your umbrella in a hole and then turn the key, rendering it unthievable! I bought a lucky cat and then drank coffee in a little coffee house off the beaten track and then did one of my favourite things, which is getting myself into the thick of things in the back streets. I mentioned 'Love Hotels' before, and in Asakusa there seems to be one on every corner. These hotels are instantly recognisable because of their gaudy facets (ridiculously elaborate faux Grecian carvings, bright lights, fountains) and because they display several tariffs depending on when you stay and how long you stay. Bizarre.
SUMO-SAN!
----------
I went in search of food. It may seem that my life involves walking to some tourist spot and then foraging for food, interspersed with checking out local toilets and buying shoes. You'd be right. That is basically what I do on a day to day basis. As I was waiting to cross the road a taxi drove by and turned into the hotel I was standing next to. I was struck by the two ENORMOUS bulks in the back seat. Japanese people are tiny and it was an instant surprise. Then another taxi passed with one huge bulk in the back, and then a THIRD bulky taxi. Of course, I was gawping so much that the green man on the zebra crossing had already gone red, so I stayed to watch. FOUR men got out, wearing grey kimonos. They had their hair tied in knots on the top of their head and so I had to assume that I had seen real-life SUMOs! They were truly MASSIVE. The taxi drivers seemed to be doing extra kow-tow to them too! After I'd finally crossed the road and found the subway, I stopped off at Ginza on the way back to Shinjuku and stayed for about three minutes. It's the city's most exclusive shopping district and I quickly realised that, when I almost got judo-chopped by the door-gimp at the Armani store for sheltering from the rain underneath the store's awning to check my map, that there was nothing there for me.
Wax on, wax off
----------------------
It's pretty rare to find a menu outside any restaurant in English. Not eating meat, I tend to like to ensure that the place I choose will have something that doesn't involve dead bird/cow/pig etc. No problemo here though, because outside almost every restaurant are wax models of every dish they serve in the window. These things are works of art. I wonder how the wax doesn't melt in the heat though. Eating in most places consists of going inside, and then, if they don't have a sheet with all the pictures of the dishes on, going outside with the waiter to show them what you want. And it's not just for tourists either! I saw locals pointing out what they wanted. And I read that it was introduced to show the Japanese new kinds of western food. A boy who was standing outside a restaurant with a menu asked me where I was from. "Ingrand!" he said, "David Beckham!" Aha. The great football conversation. I told him I lived in Holland and he said "Ruud van Nistlerooy". And there our conversation ended.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Toilette Etiquette
-------------
I took the airport limo to Shinjuku station. It might sound glamorous but over here limos are actually busses. It took an hour and a half! My hotel is located west of the station and my room is about as big as a shoe box. I'm not complaining, it's really cheap. The bathroom is a sort of built-in, moulded plastic affair with a bath that's tiny and a shower that's attached to the taps in the sink.
I was hoping for one of those Japanese toilets that have a seat warmer, but alas, mine only has a built in water spray, operated with a button, to clean your bits with. HAAHAH.
When you sit down on the seat, water immediately starts flowing, as if you flushed it already. This is to cover the sounds of any kinds of bodily emissions. In some toilets, there are what are known as 'etiquette bells' and these play the sound of the toilet flushing. I guess these are the environmentally friendly establishments.
This means you can take a dump safe in the knowledge that everyone knows you're taking a dump because they can hear the flushing sounds of the etiquette bell which you only press when you take a dump . Bizarre. In one bar I went to, the damn thing was on a remote sensor and went off when I moved. This is where my understanding of the Japanese culture began and then ended. They're into women dressed as school girls and there are love hotels on every corner (i.e. hotels where you rent rooms for a couple of hours at a time), yet the mere thought of someone hearing them having a pee makes them shudder in shame. What a paradox!
I wAnder how, I wAnder why
--------------------------------------
On Saturday, I spent the day wandering around, bought crap, saw the sights of Shinjuku, which are a temple, department stores as big as the Amsterdam arena, a billion restaurants and various salubrious bars. Tokyo is really like nothing I have ever seen or experienced before. Girls really do wear long over-the-knee socks and tiny pleated skirts. Boys really do wear the skinniest jeans you can imagine and have the wildest hairstyles. People really do kow-tow to you when you enter or leave somewhere. Shoes come off at every available opportunity...now I know why everyone wears slip-on shoes. Laces are a pain. I saw a boy washing something on a stall outside a glasses shop; he was cleaning his specs on a specially-made machine.
I ate sushi from a conveyor belt where there were little taps by every seat so you could fill up on as much green tea as you liked and where I, as a seasoned sushi-eater, could not identify almost anything in front of my face.
And then it started to rain...
------------------------
Apparently Jesus, or was it the Lord, I never know the difference, said "I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth." Well, he was talking about Japan and the living substances in this case were my socks and shoes and poor little trotters. I had to blow dry my trainers with the hairdryer this morning so I could wear them again. It has not stopped raining for almost 48 hours. In that time, I have purchased three umbrellas (one I destroyed, but I guess that's what happens when you pay 20 cents for a Chinese import, one I left on the subway and the other is still in my possession, in its um-dom* by the door), and I have learned that flip flops and shorts are the most appropriate attire for such weather (after getting lead-heavy legs from my sodden jeans and shoes).
*There are more umbrellas in Tokyo than people. Every shop/restaurant you go into has a system whereby you either put it in an umbrella stand or, more commonly, you stick it into a long plastic bag that looks like, ahum, a condom. Therefore, I have coined the term um-dom. Patent pending.
Don Quixote
-----------
There's a shop I came across called Don Quixote. My god. Its five floors are stacked floor to ceiling with the most amazing amount of crap you can imagine. Of course, I loved it and spent a rainy hour in there. There were tiny aisles only big enough for one person to pass through at a time and the organisation was so haphazard that, if you were actually looking for anything, you'd never find it. There was food and cosmetics, tools and clothes, DVDs and rice cookers, and even a floor full of designer brands. Bizarre. As I was queuing up to buy an umbrella, squished up against some toothpaste on one side and noodles on another, I looked up and saw the funniest thing I have ever seen: "Sod lotion". Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Sod lotion. And do you know what sod lotion is? It's, ahem, lubricant. AHAHAHAH. Oh how I cackled to myself.
NOOOOO!
---------------
I tried on some shoes. Not like me to try on shoes but you know, when in Japan do as the Japanese do, which is buy shoes, obviously. The shop assistant was a little old man, who could speak a very small amount of English (like 'small', 'medium' or 'large'...yes, the shoes in the shop had only those three sizes and me, with tiny size 36 , had to squeeze my piggy totters into an L. The shame. THE SHAME). I couldn't decide whether I wanted them. So I pointed out that the buckle was a bit tight and he immediately dropped to his knees, saying what I think must have been 'sorry, sorry' and began pawing the buckle and trying to take them off. I was MORT-I-FIED. I ended up buying the shoes because I felt guilty that this poor, old man thought he had to get on his old arthritic knees and get close to my soggy and sweaty trotters. Never matter, they were only the equivalent of EUR 6. Yes, that's right. Japan is not as expensive as you might think. Accommodation ain't the cheapest, but I've not yet eaten a meal, including beer, that has cost me more than JPY 1,200, which is about EUR 7.
-------------
I took the airport limo to Shinjuku station. It might sound glamorous but over here limos are actually busses. It took an hour and a half! My hotel is located west of the station and my room is about as big as a shoe box. I'm not complaining, it's really cheap. The bathroom is a sort of built-in, moulded plastic affair with a bath that's tiny and a shower that's attached to the taps in the sink.
I was hoping for one of those Japanese toilets that have a seat warmer, but alas, mine only has a built in water spray, operated with a button, to clean your bits with. HAAHAH.
When you sit down on the seat, water immediately starts flowing, as if you flushed it already. This is to cover the sounds of any kinds of bodily emissions. In some toilets, there are what are known as 'etiquette bells' and these play the sound of the toilet flushing. I guess these are the environmentally friendly establishments.
This means you can take a dump safe in the knowledge that everyone knows you're taking a dump because they can hear the flushing sounds of the etiquette bell which you only press when you take a dump . Bizarre. In one bar I went to, the damn thing was on a remote sensor and went off when I moved. This is where my understanding of the Japanese culture began and then ended. They're into women dressed as school girls and there are love hotels on every corner (i.e. hotels where you rent rooms for a couple of hours at a time), yet the mere thought of someone hearing them having a pee makes them shudder in shame. What a paradox!
I wAnder how, I wAnder why
--------------------------------------
On Saturday, I spent the day wandering around, bought crap, saw the sights of Shinjuku, which are a temple, department stores as big as the Amsterdam arena, a billion restaurants and various salubrious bars. Tokyo is really like nothing I have ever seen or experienced before. Girls really do wear long over-the-knee socks and tiny pleated skirts. Boys really do wear the skinniest jeans you can imagine and have the wildest hairstyles. People really do kow-tow to you when you enter or leave somewhere. Shoes come off at every available opportunity...now I know why everyone wears slip-on shoes. Laces are a pain. I saw a boy washing something on a stall outside a glasses shop; he was cleaning his specs on a specially-made machine.
I ate sushi from a conveyor belt where there were little taps by every seat so you could fill up on as much green tea as you liked and where I, as a seasoned sushi-eater, could not identify almost anything in front of my face.
And then it started to rain...
------------------------
Apparently Jesus, or was it the Lord, I never know the difference, said "I will cause it to rain upon the earth forty days and forty nights; and every living substance that I have made will I destroy from off the face of the earth." Well, he was talking about Japan and the living substances in this case were my socks and shoes and poor little trotters. I had to blow dry my trainers with the hairdryer this morning so I could wear them again. It has not stopped raining for almost 48 hours. In that time, I have purchased three umbrellas (one I destroyed, but I guess that's what happens when you pay 20 cents for a Chinese import, one I left on the subway and the other is still in my possession, in its um-dom* by the door), and I have learned that flip flops and shorts are the most appropriate attire for such weather (after getting lead-heavy legs from my sodden jeans and shoes).
*There are more umbrellas in Tokyo than people. Every shop/restaurant you go into has a system whereby you either put it in an umbrella stand or, more commonly, you stick it into a long plastic bag that looks like, ahum, a condom. Therefore, I have coined the term um-dom. Patent pending.
Don Quixote
-----------
There's a shop I came across called Don Quixote. My god. Its five floors are stacked floor to ceiling with the most amazing amount of crap you can imagine. Of course, I loved it and spent a rainy hour in there. There were tiny aisles only big enough for one person to pass through at a time and the organisation was so haphazard that, if you were actually looking for anything, you'd never find it. There was food and cosmetics, tools and clothes, DVDs and rice cookers, and even a floor full of designer brands. Bizarre. As I was queuing up to buy an umbrella, squished up against some toothpaste on one side and noodles on another, I looked up and saw the funniest thing I have ever seen: "Sod lotion". Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Sod lotion. And do you know what sod lotion is? It's, ahem, lubricant. AHAHAHAH. Oh how I cackled to myself.
NOOOOO!
---------------
I tried on some shoes. Not like me to try on shoes but you know, when in Japan do as the Japanese do, which is buy shoes, obviously. The shop assistant was a little old man, who could speak a very small amount of English (like 'small', 'medium' or 'large'...yes, the shoes in the shop had only those three sizes and me, with tiny size 36 , had to squeeze my piggy totters into an L. The shame. THE SHAME). I couldn't decide whether I wanted them. So I pointed out that the buckle was a bit tight and he immediately dropped to his knees, saying what I think must have been 'sorry, sorry' and began pawing the buckle and trying to take them off. I was MORT-I-FIED. I ended up buying the shoes because I felt guilty that this poor, old man thought he had to get on his old arthritic knees and get close to my soggy and sweaty trotters. Never matter, they were only the equivalent of EUR 6. Yes, that's right. Japan is not as expensive as you might think. Accommodation ain't the cheapest, but I've not yet eaten a meal, including beer, that has cost me more than JPY 1,200, which is about EUR 7.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Tokyo-san
So, I'm lying in my box-room in Shinjuko, Tokyo and listening to the rain pour down. It's been raining all day. I had to come home and dry off for a bit as my shoes were getting squelchy. I read that a typhoon has hit the Philippines and I think that part of it stopped off here on it's way there. Now I understand why rubber boots are so popular. I think I have trenchfoot. So, back to Korea....
Later on Thursday
--------------
Next on my list was food. I'd woken up late but hadn't eaten anything and the coffee I had gulped on my way to the subway had worn off. I had sat in the sun with my "Coffee bean and tea leaf" coffee and an old man had shuffled up to me and said something. "English?" I replied and he tried to give me a magazine called "hell fire ". Er, no thanks matey, none of your devil burning christian literature for me. So, I wandered the tiny streets of Insadong. There are thousands of tiny restaurants and I found one with a sign in the window that said "Menu for a vegetarian own sake" so I went there and sat on the floor with all the other Seoul-ians.
I read that Koreans do not like to eat alone, and mealtimes are to be enjoyed with friends and family. No wonder I was getting pitying looks! I ordered some sort of omelette with spring onion, garlic and cabbage. They chopped it all up with scissors! I supped an entire bottle of whatever-something-alcoholic it was that I ordered and felt a bit light headed. I headed off to the Dongdaemun market, which seemed to be filled with huge 'department stores', which were basically 8 floors of tiny shops selling any crap you could imagine. Outside these 'department stores' there seemed to be talent competitions going on, which involved a small stage and crowd of people and some very bad singing.
Me choke you long time
------------------
On friday, I'd planned to get up early but of course I couldn't get my ass out of bed, so I didn't do much. I sat in the sun for a while, on the roof garden of the pool, much to the amusement of the staff (it was cloudy and for them, I suppose it was cold). Then I almost choked to death on a horrible death-trap drink called bubble tea. WTF! I ordered my 'tea', pomegranate flavour, thinking it would be like iced tea and saw that it had the biggest straw in it I had ever seen, about a cm in diameter. So, I slurped some up and kaaaaaaaaching a big ball of jelly stuck in my throat. I was choking and spluttering everywhere.
Later that night, I went out for dinner with German and ended up in a Vietnamese restaurant. Oh. My. GOD. I have never eaten anything so spicy in MY LIFE. I literally ate two mouthfuls before I had to stop. My eyes were watering! Then we went off to another bar and drank lots of beer. Of course, I did what any self respecting person does when out drinking with a Mexican, and that's try to order tequila. Fortunately for me, because I had to get up at the arse-crack of dawn, there was no tequila in that bar and I went home thinking that I had a lucky escape.
Off to Japanito
--------------------
My bag weighed in at a hefty 28 kilos but they didn't care. I even got in the verboten queue at the airport but they didn't mind. Korean Air has FOUR classes. I queued up in 'morning calm' whatever that means. The only difference between that and economy seemed to be a big rug saying 'welcome' in front of the check-in desk. Nice. I'd definitely consider paying twice the price for a ticket for that sort of perk. The flight took two hours, most of which was bone-shakingly turbulent. I almost threw up. The plane was jerking from side to side, up and down. Everytime the plane took a dip, the gaggle of little, old Korean ladies next to me shrieked in shock. I was gripping the hand rest good and proper. Talk about white knuckles. When the pilot tells the trolly dollies to strap themselves in, I get scared.
Gimme my biometrics back!
----------------------
At the airport the bastards took my photo (although I am sure it was actually an iris scan) and fingerprinted me. GRRRR. They also monitored everyone's temperature with a heat seeking camera to see if we had some sort of horrible disease. On my immigration and customs card, I had to declare how much money I was bringing into the country. As I was waiting in the queue, a man made everyone show him their amounts. At the immigration desk the woman asked me how much money I had AND so did the bloke who searched my bag when I tried to leave the airport. Of course, I am the only person that got stopped, The customs officer soon regretted picking me out. I always get stopped. I must look like a drug smuggler or something. He soon regretted picking on me though because I have a bag that opens like a clam shell and has four zipped pockets inside it.
It was packed full to bursting and, I don't know what he was looking for, but he didn't take anything out, just stuck his hands in and out, which, in a bag that full is hard bloody work. By the time he got to the third pocket he was sweating profously and then said ok, enough. HAHAAH.
Off to get myself a light snack (about 234234235435 pieces of sushi) in the rain now. More later...
So, I'm lying in my box-room in Shinjuko, Tokyo and listening to the rain pour down. It's been raining all day. I had to come home and dry off for a bit as my shoes were getting squelchy. I read that a typhoon has hit the Philippines and I think that part of it stopped off here on it's way there. Now I understand why rubber boots are so popular. I think I have trenchfoot. So, back to Korea....
Later on Thursday
--------------
Next on my list was food. I'd woken up late but hadn't eaten anything and the coffee I had gulped on my way to the subway had worn off. I had sat in the sun with my "Coffee bean and tea leaf" coffee and an old man had shuffled up to me and said something. "English?" I replied and he tried to give me a magazine called "hell fire ". Er, no thanks matey, none of your devil burning christian literature for me. So, I wandered the tiny streets of Insadong. There are thousands of tiny restaurants and I found one with a sign in the window that said "Menu for a vegetarian own sake" so I went there and sat on the floor with all the other Seoul-ians.
I read that Koreans do not like to eat alone, and mealtimes are to be enjoyed with friends and family. No wonder I was getting pitying looks! I ordered some sort of omelette with spring onion, garlic and cabbage. They chopped it all up with scissors! I supped an entire bottle of whatever-something-alcoholic it was that I ordered and felt a bit light headed. I headed off to the Dongdaemun market, which seemed to be filled with huge 'department stores', which were basically 8 floors of tiny shops selling any crap you could imagine. Outside these 'department stores' there seemed to be talent competitions going on, which involved a small stage and crowd of people and some very bad singing.
Me choke you long time
------------------
On friday, I'd planned to get up early but of course I couldn't get my ass out of bed, so I didn't do much. I sat in the sun for a while, on the roof garden of the pool, much to the amusement of the staff (it was cloudy and for them, I suppose it was cold). Then I almost choked to death on a horrible death-trap drink called bubble tea. WTF! I ordered my 'tea', pomegranate flavour, thinking it would be like iced tea and saw that it had the biggest straw in it I had ever seen, about a cm in diameter. So, I slurped some up and kaaaaaaaaching a big ball of jelly stuck in my throat. I was choking and spluttering everywhere.
Later that night, I went out for dinner with German and ended up in a Vietnamese restaurant. Oh. My. GOD. I have never eaten anything so spicy in MY LIFE. I literally ate two mouthfuls before I had to stop. My eyes were watering! Then we went off to another bar and drank lots of beer. Of course, I did what any self respecting person does when out drinking with a Mexican, and that's try to order tequila. Fortunately for me, because I had to get up at the arse-crack of dawn, there was no tequila in that bar and I went home thinking that I had a lucky escape.
Off to Japanito
--------------------
My bag weighed in at a hefty 28 kilos but they didn't care. I even got in the verboten queue at the airport but they didn't mind. Korean Air has FOUR classes. I queued up in 'morning calm' whatever that means. The only difference between that and economy seemed to be a big rug saying 'welcome' in front of the check-in desk. Nice. I'd definitely consider paying twice the price for a ticket for that sort of perk. The flight took two hours, most of which was bone-shakingly turbulent. I almost threw up. The plane was jerking from side to side, up and down. Everytime the plane took a dip, the gaggle of little, old Korean ladies next to me shrieked in shock. I was gripping the hand rest good and proper. Talk about white knuckles. When the pilot tells the trolly dollies to strap themselves in, I get scared.
Gimme my biometrics back!
----------------------
At the airport the bastards took my photo (although I am sure it was actually an iris scan) and fingerprinted me. GRRRR. They also monitored everyone's temperature with a heat seeking camera to see if we had some sort of horrible disease. On my immigration and customs card, I had to declare how much money I was bringing into the country. As I was waiting in the queue, a man made everyone show him their amounts. At the immigration desk the woman asked me how much money I had AND so did the bloke who searched my bag when I tried to leave the airport. Of course, I am the only person that got stopped, The customs officer soon regretted picking me out. I always get stopped. I must look like a drug smuggler or something. He soon regretted picking on me though because I have a bag that opens like a clam shell and has four zipped pockets inside it.
It was packed full to bursting and, I don't know what he was looking for, but he didn't take anything out, just stuck his hands in and out, which, in a bag that full is hard bloody work. By the time he got to the third pocket he was sweating profously and then said ok, enough. HAHAAH.
Off to get myself a light snack (about 234234235435 pieces of sushi) in the rain now. More later...
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Wednesday
==========
...The forums started on Monday morning and all went smoothly. The venue is huge. Our 'office' is located near the press room which is at least a 10 minute walk and 3 floors away from the rooms were the sessions take place. Consequently, I have walked miles and miles. In fact, on Tuesday, I woke up feeling like I had run a marathon. Monday went well. We made some films, got the press releases out and did general meeting-y things.
The place where the meeting is being held is built above what is reported to be the biggest underground mall in Asia. Once the day was over, we decided to hit the mall to buy a microphone for the camera because the one that I bought for it did not fit. arrgrh. Of course, in a mall that big, finding anything is a nightmare and we didn't manage to get one. We realised that the 'welcome dinner' had started and we hurried back. I was expecting the dinner to be some sort of buffet affair but no, it was a three course sit-down dinner for 500 people. Wow. I have never seen so many tables in my life. Amazingly, the entire thing took only just over an hour and the food was great. They tried to split us up stick us randomly on a table somewhere but we found an empty table right at the end of the hall and commandeered it.
Wot no hangover?
----------------
The organisers had nicely placed about 10 bottles of traditional Korean booze, mainly rice wine, on our table, with little cards explaining what they were and where they come from etc. One of them guaranteed no hangover. Unfortunately, although it tasted pretty good, it smelled so bad that it was rather unpleasant to drink (the reason why you don't get a hangover is because drinking it isn't much fun)! There was some pretty cool entertainment in the way of loads of girls playing traditional harps while a DJ played together with a beat box boy and the breakdance world champion team performed.
All of a sudden, I realised the hall was empty and the only people left guzzling the free booze were of course, me and my colleagues. Surprise, surprise. None of us were really sure whether we should take the bottles home...so we did anyway. We sat and had some more drinks in the hotel and then Philip decided to finish one of the bottles of the stolen-booze. Unfortunately for him, as he realised the next morning, it wasn't the anti-hangover version.
Tuesday
=======
The actual ministerial meeting started today. Protesters lined the hotel. There seemed to be two protests going on and the protesters were intermingled and shouting about the president of S. Korea being a dictator and about stopping beef imports from the US. Koreans eat a lot of beef. The police lined up three people deep around them so they were pretty much hidden from view. After a hard days work I decided to venture over the road to the visit buddha in the Bonguensa temple I can see from my window.
I thought it would be nice to get some fresh air too, but I soon changed my mind when I tried to breathe in the thick, wet air. The temple was really nice, and felt like it was a million miles away from the noise and mayhem on the street only a few meters away. I wandered around a bit and then headed into the city.
My dinner is moving!
=================
So, I randomly picked a place to go, which turned out to be Itaewon and was full of hookers and expats, KFCs and Pizza-sluts, and got us there on the subway, only taking the train in the wrong direction once. Hurrah! The subway system is HUGE. The trains are LOOOOONG. It's really CHEAP! But the last trains go around midnight, which is not very handy.
Random fact: the subway stations have a cabinet containing torches and smoke hoods incase of EARTHQUAKE!
We tried to find some Korean food and a young boy and his girlfriend stopped to help us when they saw us with a map and pointed us in the direction of some Japanese restaurants (after telling us he'd leave his girlfriend here and drive us to a good barbeque restaurant...er, no thanks). We ate at a tiny Japanese place and the food was amazing, except the raw abalone which is the most bizarre and disgusting thing I have ever tasted and should be banned, or at least force fed to evil people. Talking of bizarre, take a look at this video...
Yes, I ate it, and no it wasn't alive. It was wafer thin makerel shavings that were curling up in the heat.
Wednesday
=======
Pishy!
--------
At the "closing lunch" today, the Minister for Communications for Russia sat next to me and we had a random conversation about Cuba and not understanding the language of the "youth of today". Very bizarre. Blaise told me he'd seen him on TV a few times. I had a sign on the table that said "fish" so that the waiters would know not to serve me any meat. A plate full of shrimp was placed in front of me. Yummy, I thought, until a boy whisked it away from me, gave it to Blaise (after I'd half poked around at it and squeezed lemon on it) and then gave me two huge crab legs instead (squeal, GET THOSE LEGGIES AWAY FROM ME!), pointing to the sign and saying "Pishy!". He did the same thing with the next course, after I had eaten half the bowl of brocolli soup! The wine I consumed made the rest of the day hard bloody work and I was really glad when it was over and went to have a nap. Later that evening we realised that Koreans are not really night-owls when we tried to get some dinner at 21:00 and found it pretty hard to find anywhere open. Went to the sky bar for a few more drinks and found that someone had flown in my little guppie fish as a surprise.
Thursday
========
For the first time ever, I slept through an alarm and didn't get out of bed until almost 2pm, screwing up my body clock good and proper. I had had a vague idea to go and visit the DMZ between S. Korea and N. Korea, which is 50km away, but realised that my concept of distance and my estimation of the time it takes to travel distances is way to warped to consider anything so foolish! I decided to make my way to Insadong. I spent about 10 hours out and about and I saw less than five other westerners, which surprised me because I thought there were lots of Americans here. I am not sure whether Koreans are friendly or not...they just seem indifferent to me. A tiny old man wanted to help me when he saw me looking at my map on the subway, asking where I was from, but the lady in the cafe I went to for dinner did not seem very pleased that was there at all.
Tea for one please, I'm so Rooooonery
-------------------------------
I wandered around Insadong and bought useless crap as I do (handmade paper...yes, like that's really useful) and then found myself a tiny traditional tea house, where the lady barked "TEA HOUSE TEA HOUSE" at me when I walked in, and where I sat for about 45 minutes and drank jasmine tea. It was lovely, and quiet and very, very relaxing. I ate funny tubes of rice with sesame seeds and a distinct bubble gum flavour.
I am obsessed by smells (and toilets, but not smelly toilets) and I'd been wondering what the ever-so-slighty floral smell with an underlying hint of disinfectant was every time I was near a Korean person and realised, when I went to the toilet in the tea house, that everyone must use exactly the same soap. Seoul does not have the same intensity of smells as Hong Kong. Restaurants generally smell spicy and there is the odd waft of stinky drain, but other than that, the smells are quite pleasant.
==========
...The forums started on Monday morning and all went smoothly. The venue is huge. Our 'office' is located near the press room which is at least a 10 minute walk and 3 floors away from the rooms were the sessions take place. Consequently, I have walked miles and miles. In fact, on Tuesday, I woke up feeling like I had run a marathon. Monday went well. We made some films, got the press releases out and did general meeting-y things.
The place where the meeting is being held is built above what is reported to be the biggest underground mall in Asia. Once the day was over, we decided to hit the mall to buy a microphone for the camera because the one that I bought for it did not fit. arrgrh. Of course, in a mall that big, finding anything is a nightmare and we didn't manage to get one. We realised that the 'welcome dinner' had started and we hurried back. I was expecting the dinner to be some sort of buffet affair but no, it was a three course sit-down dinner for 500 people. Wow. I have never seen so many tables in my life. Amazingly, the entire thing took only just over an hour and the food was great. They tried to split us up stick us randomly on a table somewhere but we found an empty table right at the end of the hall and commandeered it.
Wot no hangover?
----------------
The organisers had nicely placed about 10 bottles of traditional Korean booze, mainly rice wine, on our table, with little cards explaining what they were and where they come from etc. One of them guaranteed no hangover. Unfortunately, although it tasted pretty good, it smelled so bad that it was rather unpleasant to drink (the reason why you don't get a hangover is because drinking it isn't much fun)! There was some pretty cool entertainment in the way of loads of girls playing traditional harps while a DJ played together with a beat box boy and the breakdance world champion team performed.
All of a sudden, I realised the hall was empty and the only people left guzzling the free booze were of course, me and my colleagues. Surprise, surprise. None of us were really sure whether we should take the bottles home...so we did anyway. We sat and had some more drinks in the hotel and then Philip decided to finish one of the bottles of the stolen-booze. Unfortunately for him, as he realised the next morning, it wasn't the anti-hangover version.
Tuesday
=======
The actual ministerial meeting started today. Protesters lined the hotel. There seemed to be two protests going on and the protesters were intermingled and shouting about the president of S. Korea being a dictator and about stopping beef imports from the US. Koreans eat a lot of beef. The police lined up three people deep around them so they were pretty much hidden from view. After a hard days work I decided to venture over the road to the visit buddha in the Bonguensa temple I can see from my window.
I thought it would be nice to get some fresh air too, but I soon changed my mind when I tried to breathe in the thick, wet air. The temple was really nice, and felt like it was a million miles away from the noise and mayhem on the street only a few meters away. I wandered around a bit and then headed into the city.My dinner is moving!
=================
So, I randomly picked a place to go, which turned out to be Itaewon and was full of hookers and expats, KFCs and Pizza-sluts, and got us there on the subway, only taking the train in the wrong direction once. Hurrah! The subway system is HUGE. The trains are LOOOOONG. It's really CHEAP! But the last trains go around midnight, which is not very handy.
Random fact: the subway stations have a cabinet containing torches and smoke hoods incase of EARTHQUAKE!
We tried to find some Korean food and a young boy and his girlfriend stopped to help us when they saw us with a map and pointed us in the direction of some Japanese restaurants (after telling us he'd leave his girlfriend here and drive us to a good barbeque restaurant...er, no thanks). We ate at a tiny Japanese place and the food was amazing, except the raw abalone which is the most bizarre and disgusting thing I have ever tasted and should be banned, or at least force fed to evil people. Talking of bizarre, take a look at this video...
Yes, I ate it, and no it wasn't alive. It was wafer thin makerel shavings that were curling up in the heat.
Wednesday
=======
Pishy!
--------
At the "closing lunch" today, the Minister for Communications for Russia sat next to me and we had a random conversation about Cuba and not understanding the language of the "youth of today". Very bizarre. Blaise told me he'd seen him on TV a few times. I had a sign on the table that said "fish" so that the waiters would know not to serve me any meat. A plate full of shrimp was placed in front of me. Yummy, I thought, until a boy whisked it away from me, gave it to Blaise (after I'd half poked around at it and squeezed lemon on it) and then gave me two huge crab legs instead (squeal, GET THOSE LEGGIES AWAY FROM ME!), pointing to the sign and saying "Pishy!". He did the same thing with the next course, after I had eaten half the bowl of brocolli soup! The wine I consumed made the rest of the day hard bloody work and I was really glad when it was over and went to have a nap. Later that evening we realised that Koreans are not really night-owls when we tried to get some dinner at 21:00 and found it pretty hard to find anywhere open. Went to the sky bar for a few more drinks and found that someone had flown in my little guppie fish as a surprise.
Thursday
========
For the first time ever, I slept through an alarm and didn't get out of bed until almost 2pm, screwing up my body clock good and proper. I had had a vague idea to go and visit the DMZ between S. Korea and N. Korea, which is 50km away, but realised that my concept of distance and my estimation of the time it takes to travel distances is way to warped to consider anything so foolish! I decided to make my way to Insadong. I spent about 10 hours out and about and I saw less than five other westerners, which surprised me because I thought there were lots of Americans here. I am not sure whether Koreans are friendly or not...they just seem indifferent to me. A tiny old man wanted to help me when he saw me looking at my map on the subway, asking where I was from, but the lady in the cafe I went to for dinner did not seem very pleased that was there at all.
Tea for one please, I'm so Rooooonery
-------------------------------
I wandered around Insadong and bought useless crap as I do (handmade paper...yes, like that's really useful) and then found myself a tiny traditional tea house, where the lady barked "TEA HOUSE TEA HOUSE" at me when I walked in, and where I sat for about 45 minutes and drank jasmine tea. It was lovely, and quiet and very, very relaxing. I ate funny tubes of rice with sesame seeds and a distinct bubble gum flavour.
I am obsessed by smells (and toilets, but not smelly toilets) and I'd been wondering what the ever-so-slighty floral smell with an underlying hint of disinfectant was every time I was near a Korean person and realised, when I went to the toilet in the tea house, that everyone must use exactly the same soap. Seoul does not have the same intensity of smells as Hong Kong. Restaurants generally smell spicy and there is the odd waft of stinky drain, but other than that, the smells are quite pleasant.
Monday, June 16, 2008
9000 km From Home
Rum, glorious rum
---------------
After a hectic day running from one side of Amsterdam to the other, I made it to the airport. There was a very scary moment when the girl at the check in desk asked me if I had a visa. Visa?! What F-ing VISA? Fortunately, I didn't need one and she released me from her evil clutches and I was on my way. I had about 20 minutes before I had to get on the plane, so I went to the lounge to stock up on free rum and cokes. I poured myself a triple Bacardi from the optic (nerves, you see), whooshed in a dash of coke and started slurping it there and then as I scuttled around the bar, grabbing handfuls of whatever snack was on offer. The man-in-a-suit standing next to me looked at me like I'd just slaughtered an entire litter of cute, fluffy puppies with a sharpened paperclip. So I slunk off with my booze to a quiet corner, gulping it down as quickly as I could before running off to the plane.
Flip-flops
--------
The flight was long and boring, and uneventful. There wasn't even any turbulence which would have at least provoked people to look around the cabin worriedly and grip their armrests etc etc. The most exciting thing that happened was getting given KLM branded flip-flops to shuffle to the toilet in. I must have been really, really tired (or completely drunk) because, for the first time ever, I managed to sleep for a couple of hours. I filled in my "customs declaration" card and was surprised to see that it's illegal to bring diet pills into the country. Not that I have any of course, but I just thought it was a funny thing to explicitly state. And, since Koreans are, on the whole, a nation of whispy-thin people, either the whole country is shovelling down illegal diet pills on a regular basis or the pills have been made illegal to stop the already whispy-thin people from becoming even whispier and thinner and falling down the slits in the drains on the street, which would be very dangerous.
In quarantine
----------
We arrived at Seoul's airport and I made the fatal error of going to to the toilets as soon as I got off the plane. Fatal because I was one of the first off the plane and by the time I'd finished taking pictures of the funny signs in the toilets and marvelling at the rotating plastic covered toilet seat, the entire plane had unloaded and there were 400 people in front of me at the immigration queue.
As we got off the plane, we had to walk past a desk that had two bored girls laughing at their mobile phones behind it. There was a big sign saying "Quarantine" and a video camera pointed into the crowd, which I guess they use to spot ill and sickly people. I thought that everyone looked ill and sickly when they got off a 10 hour flight, so I hope they have highly trained spotters who can tell if you have bird flu from a grainy video picture. You've no idea how hard it was to resist falling to the floor in front of the camera and start frothing at the mouth.
Spoke me fleeeunt Kroean
---------------------
By the time I got to pick up my bag, the poor thing had been getting dizzy and lonely on the carousel for almost an hour. The customs officers eyed me suspiciously but I guess that as I don't look anorexic, they decided that I probably wasn't bringing in a consignment of contraband diet pills. Out in the open, I spied the big cheese in the distance renting a Korean mobile phone. Our GSM phones don't work here. Of course, even though I knew this, I was in denial about it until I got here and saw those horrible words ("no network coverage"). So, I rented myself a phone. It is a singing, dancing, beeping, annoying thing with way too much functionality, although it does have a very satisfying sliding mechanism that is nice to click open and shut and which has been entertaining me in moments of jet-lag-weaknesses (metamorphose into coma patient). Handily, the phone's language was set to Korean. I had to ask someone from the hotel to change it into English for me.
This time next year, we'll be millionaires
---------------------------------
I queued up to use the scary looking, highly advanced ATM and very worredly chose to remove 100,000 Won, which I had calculated to be around 60 Euros by using the little cheat-sheet (i.e. how to convert Wons to Euros and Dollars simplified so that a three year old with a bad case of stupid-itis could make the calculation) that Vee very patiently made for me. I probably should have got more, but removing something with that many zeros on the end of it from my bank account makes me feel queasy. Anyway, so far so good. The machine spat my card out. There I stood waiting for my money. Nothing. Panic. PANIC. The screen was displaying a message in Korean and two buttons were blinking. I pressed one. The receipt came out and I deciphered that I had just removed 100,000 WON from my account. I turned round to the man behind me, who was Korean and couldn't speak English, while 25 jetlagged and impatient people behind him twitched and stared at me like I'd not only just slaughtered an entire litter of cute, fluffy puppies with a sharpened paperclip, but that, to add insult to injury, I was wearing their bloodied fur as skirt.
I flapped my hands about in a 'why/help/what' sort of way. He said something, which of course I couldn't understand, but which could have been 'HA! Now you know how I feel when I try to read your stupid language'. Then, just as I was about to run off (to do what, I really don't know), a little compartment on top of the machine opened and there was a huge pile of notes, ready and waiting to be stuffed into my wallet. I'd mastered the Korean ATM. I was FREEEEEEE!
Zeeee Chermans!
--------------
We took a bus from the airport to the hotel. It took well over an hour. There are mountains in the background and everything is very green. The atmosphere is slightly hazy but it is not smoggy. There are lots of SUVs on the roads, which are 8 lanes wide, and most of them have these funky little 'help-you-to -reverse' mirrors on the back window. In my part of town, the skyscrapers are interspersed with what look like traditional buildings and there is a temple right opposite the hotel (which, for some reason has a very big gong, that someone took great delight in smacking continuously for 20 minutes at five o'clock this morning. GRRR). There was a very annoying German man at the back of the bus who was talking very loudly. About five minutes into the journey he fell asleep and promptly started snoring like a wild boar with a blocked nose, which, together with sleep-deprivation-hysteria prompted me to start cackling like a crow on a bad hair day.
I. Have. Arrived
------------
The hotel is truly huge, full of marble, and rich people. Koreans are very well dressed. I have yet to see a scruffy local, which makes me look and feel like a complete slob, even in my posh, best, trying-to-look-like-a-corporate-whore clothes. I am on the 27th floor with a great view over the city.
As per usual, I entered my room and my bag exploded. Not literally you understand, although it would be cool to have some sort of explosive baggage. Unpacking would be revolutionised! Within five minutes the place was covered in stuff, I'd made coffee which I had promptly spilled coffee all over the bathroom and I'd blocked the toilet. Er, yes. Korean toilets are not designed to take large amounts of toilet paper. Or small amounts of toilet paper. Mental note: two sheets at most. There I was, marvelling at the difference in design of toilets around the world (yes, it's a bit of an obsession of mine) and thinking how low to the ground this one was, and how small the actual hole in the seat is, and had a very funny vision of a very, very fat person trying to sit on it and suddenly, I realised that the water was almost overflowing. CRAP. The toilet paper (which, incase you are interested, contained nothing more than the coffee that I had spilt) was totally stuck. SHIT. I looked around for a poking device and the only thing I could think to use was a coat hanger. That's right. I unblocked the toilet with a coat hanger. Just call me the queen of solutions. Mental note: don't use that coat hanger.
By about 16:00 on Sunday, I was pretty much ready to sink into bed, or fall asleep in the chair/bath/on the floor but knew I had to stay awake as I had a meeting at 18:00. I amused myself for two minutes by trying to take a picture of myself in the floor to ceiling window with the cityscape behind me, but only succeeded in taking pictures of the sky and making myself look like I a) had 16 chins and b) was about to be attacked by a rabid dog.
So I gave up and took a shower. The bathrooms are made for midgets. I am pretty small but I could almost see over the walls and door of the shower. The bathroom is huge, and there's plenty of room for what we would call a full size bath but here, there is a piddly little thing that you can just about sit in. I did battle with the Internet connection for a while and then went to meet with all the other stooges. We then went off to eat sushi...
...Right, that's enough for now. I have to go to a press conference now and schmooze with the other paps! The jetlag has hit us all like a brick wall at high speed and no amount of the crappy stuff they call coffee is helping, so I will also go on the hunt for something that actually contains caffeine. Wait excitedly for the next installment. Or, er, don't...
---------------
After a hectic day running from one side of Amsterdam to the other, I made it to the airport. There was a very scary moment when the girl at the check in desk asked me if I had a visa. Visa?! What F-ing VISA? Fortunately, I didn't need one and she released me from her evil clutches and I was on my way. I had about 20 minutes before I had to get on the plane, so I went to the lounge to stock up on free rum and cokes. I poured myself a triple Bacardi from the optic (nerves, you see), whooshed in a dash of coke and started slurping it there and then as I scuttled around the bar, grabbing handfuls of whatever snack was on offer. The man-in-a-suit standing next to me looked at me like I'd just slaughtered an entire litter of cute, fluffy puppies with a sharpened paperclip. So I slunk off with my booze to a quiet corner, gulping it down as quickly as I could before running off to the plane.
Flip-flops
--------
The flight was long and boring, and uneventful. There wasn't even any turbulence which would have at least provoked people to look around the cabin worriedly and grip their armrests etc etc. The most exciting thing that happened was getting given KLM branded flip-flops to shuffle to the toilet in. I must have been really, really tired (or completely drunk) because, for the first time ever, I managed to sleep for a couple of hours. I filled in my "customs declaration" card and was surprised to see that it's illegal to bring diet pills into the country. Not that I have any of course, but I just thought it was a funny thing to explicitly state. And, since Koreans are, on the whole, a nation of whispy-thin people, either the whole country is shovelling down illegal diet pills on a regular basis or the pills have been made illegal to stop the already whispy-thin people from becoming even whispier and thinner and falling down the slits in the drains on the street, which would be very dangerous.
In quarantine
----------
We arrived at Seoul's airport and I made the fatal error of going to to the toilets as soon as I got off the plane. Fatal because I was one of the first off the plane and by the time I'd finished taking pictures of the funny signs in the toilets and marvelling at the rotating plastic covered toilet seat, the entire plane had unloaded and there were 400 people in front of me at the immigration queue.
As we got off the plane, we had to walk past a desk that had two bored girls laughing at their mobile phones behind it. There was a big sign saying "Quarantine" and a video camera pointed into the crowd, which I guess they use to spot ill and sickly people. I thought that everyone looked ill and sickly when they got off a 10 hour flight, so I hope they have highly trained spotters who can tell if you have bird flu from a grainy video picture. You've no idea how hard it was to resist falling to the floor in front of the camera and start frothing at the mouth.Spoke me fleeeunt Kroean
---------------------
By the time I got to pick up my bag, the poor thing had been getting dizzy and lonely on the carousel for almost an hour. The customs officers eyed me suspiciously but I guess that as I don't look anorexic, they decided that I probably wasn't bringing in a consignment of contraband diet pills. Out in the open, I spied the big cheese in the distance renting a Korean mobile phone. Our GSM phones don't work here. Of course, even though I knew this, I was in denial about it until I got here and saw those horrible words ("no network coverage"). So, I rented myself a phone. It is a singing, dancing, beeping, annoying thing with way too much functionality, although it does have a very satisfying sliding mechanism that is nice to click open and shut and which has been entertaining me in moments of jet-lag-weaknesses (metamorphose into coma patient). Handily, the phone's language was set to Korean. I had to ask someone from the hotel to change it into English for me.This time next year, we'll be millionaires
---------------------------------
I queued up to use the scary looking, highly advanced ATM and very worredly chose to remove 100,000 Won, which I had calculated to be around 60 Euros by using the little cheat-sheet (i.e. how to convert Wons to Euros and Dollars simplified so that a three year old with a bad case of stupid-itis could make the calculation) that Vee very patiently made for me. I probably should have got more, but removing something with that many zeros on the end of it from my bank account makes me feel queasy. Anyway, so far so good. The machine spat my card out. There I stood waiting for my money. Nothing. Panic. PANIC. The screen was displaying a message in Korean and two buttons were blinking. I pressed one. The receipt came out and I deciphered that I had just removed 100,000 WON from my account. I turned round to the man behind me, who was Korean and couldn't speak English, while 25 jetlagged and impatient people behind him twitched and stared at me like I'd not only just slaughtered an entire litter of cute, fluffy puppies with a sharpened paperclip, but that, to add insult to injury, I was wearing their bloodied fur as skirt.
I flapped my hands about in a 'why/help/what' sort of way. He said something, which of course I couldn't understand, but which could have been 'HA! Now you know how I feel when I try to read your stupid language'. Then, just as I was about to run off (to do what, I really don't know), a little compartment on top of the machine opened and there was a huge pile of notes, ready and waiting to be stuffed into my wallet. I'd mastered the Korean ATM. I was FREEEEEEE!
Zeeee Chermans!
--------------
We took a bus from the airport to the hotel. It took well over an hour. There are mountains in the background and everything is very green. The atmosphere is slightly hazy but it is not smoggy. There are lots of SUVs on the roads, which are 8 lanes wide, and most of them have these funky little 'help-you-to -reverse' mirrors on the back window. In my part of town, the skyscrapers are interspersed with what look like traditional buildings and there is a temple right opposite the hotel (which, for some reason has a very big gong, that someone took great delight in smacking continuously for 20 minutes at five o'clock this morning. GRRR). There was a very annoying German man at the back of the bus who was talking very loudly. About five minutes into the journey he fell asleep and promptly started snoring like a wild boar with a blocked nose, which, together with sleep-deprivation-hysteria prompted me to start cackling like a crow on a bad hair day.
I. Have. Arrived
------------
The hotel is truly huge, full of marble, and rich people. Koreans are very well dressed. I have yet to see a scruffy local, which makes me look and feel like a complete slob, even in my posh, best, trying-to-look-like-a-corporate-whore clothes. I am on the 27th floor with a great view over the city.
As per usual, I entered my room and my bag exploded. Not literally you understand, although it would be cool to have some sort of explosive baggage. Unpacking would be revolutionised! Within five minutes the place was covered in stuff, I'd made coffee which I had promptly spilled coffee all over the bathroom and I'd blocked the toilet. Er, yes. Korean toilets are not designed to take large amounts of toilet paper. Or small amounts of toilet paper. Mental note: two sheets at most. There I was, marvelling at the difference in design of toilets around the world (yes, it's a bit of an obsession of mine) and thinking how low to the ground this one was, and how small the actual hole in the seat is, and had a very funny vision of a very, very fat person trying to sit on it and suddenly, I realised that the water was almost overflowing. CRAP. The toilet paper (which, incase you are interested, contained nothing more than the coffee that I had spilt) was totally stuck. SHIT. I looked around for a poking device and the only thing I could think to use was a coat hanger. That's right. I unblocked the toilet with a coat hanger. Just call me the queen of solutions. Mental note: don't use that coat hanger.By about 16:00 on Sunday, I was pretty much ready to sink into bed, or fall asleep in the chair/bath/on the floor but knew I had to stay awake as I had a meeting at 18:00. I amused myself for two minutes by trying to take a picture of myself in the floor to ceiling window with the cityscape behind me, but only succeeded in taking pictures of the sky and making myself look like I a) had 16 chins and b) was about to be attacked by a rabid dog.
So I gave up and took a shower. The bathrooms are made for midgets. I am pretty small but I could almost see over the walls and door of the shower. The bathroom is huge, and there's plenty of room for what we would call a full size bath but here, there is a piddly little thing that you can just about sit in. I did battle with the Internet connection for a while and then went to meet with all the other stooges. We then went off to eat sushi......Right, that's enough for now. I have to go to a press conference now and schmooze with the other paps! The jetlag has hit us all like a brick wall at high speed and no amount of the crappy stuff they call coffee is helping, so I will also go on the hunt for something that actually contains caffeine. Wait excitedly for the next installment. Or, er, don't...
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