Er, not funny
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There is a very, very friendly old man at the reception desk in my hotel who speaks very good Engrish, sorry, sorry, I mean English. He gave me some directions to get somewhere on the subway and then as I was leaving, he shouted after me that he'd given me the wrong information. "You're fired!" I exclaimed. He just stared at me open-mouthed until I said, "Sorry, just a joke." He nodded and then carried on writing down the new directions. The Tokyo subway system is pretty easy to navigate once you've worked out that there's two different systems run by two different companies, and consequently you have to buy two different sets of tickets. Clever that. It's outrageously cheap too, about 160 yen for each ride which is about 95 cents. Bargain-alicious. However, sometimes you have to walk kilometers to get to the next line. I did not brave the subway at rush hour, and so my experience was quite pleasant.

Miaow
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On Sunday I went to Asakusa to see Senso-ji, the Buddhist temple. The pathway to the temple is lined with thousands of tiny shops, who all obviously give their money to Buddha after they rip off stupid tourists. The temple was probably very nice, but the rain was hurtling down and I kept getting stabbed in the head by those pointy bits on the end of umbrellas so I got out of there as quickly as I could. I've been meaning to start a campaign to get these evil and dangerous implements (umbrellas) banned. Grrr! Talking of umbrellas, I noticed that the more up-market establishments have lockable umbrella slots in-front of them. You stick your umbrella in a hole and then turn the key, rendering it unthievable! I bought a lucky cat and then drank coffee in a little coffee house off the beaten track and then did one of my favourite things, which is getting myself into the thick of things in the back streets. I mentioned 'Love Hotels' before, and in Asakusa there seems to be one on every corner. These hotels are instantly recognisable because of their gaudy facets (ridiculously elaborate faux Grecian carvings, bright lights, fountains) and because they display several tariffs depending on when you stay and how long you stay. Bizarre.

SUMO-SAN!
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I went in search of food. It may seem that my life involves walking to some tourist spot and then foraging for food, interspersed with checking out local toilets and buying shoes. You'd be right. That is basically what I do on a day to day basis. As I was waiting to cross the road a taxi drove by and turned into the hotel I was standing next to. I was struck by the two ENORMOUS bulks in the back seat. Japanese people are tiny and it was an instant surprise. Then another taxi passed with one huge bulk in the back, and then a THIRD bulky taxi. Of course, I was gawping so much that the green man on the zebra crossing had already gone red, so I stayed to watch. FOUR men got out, wearing grey kimonos. They had their hair tied in knots on the top of their head and so I had to assume that I had seen real-life SUMOs! They were truly MASSIVE. The taxi drivers seemed to be doing extra kow-tow to them too! After I'd finally crossed the road and found the subway, I stopped off at Ginza on the way back to Shinjuku and stayed for about three minutes. It's the city's most exclusive shopping district and I quickly realised that, when I almost got judo-chopped by the door-gimp at the Armani store for sheltering from the rain underneath the store's awning to check my map, that there was nothing there for me.

Wax on, wax off
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It's pretty rare to find a menu outside any restaurant in English. Not eating meat, I tend to like to ensure that the place I choose will have something that doesn't involve dead bird/cow/pig etc. No problemo here though, because outside almost every restaurant are wax models of every dish they serve in the window. These things are works of art. I wonder how the wax doesn't melt in the heat though. Eating in most places consists of going inside, and then, if they don't have a sheet with all the pictures of the dishes on, going outside with the waiter to show them what you want. And it's not just for tourists either! I saw locals pointing out what they wanted. And I read that it was introduced to show the Japanese new kinds of western food. A boy who was standing outside a restaurant with a menu asked me where I was from. "Ingrand!" he said, "David Beckham!" Aha. The great football conversation. I told him I lived in Holland and he said "Ruud van Nistlerooy". And there our conversation ended.